yesterday i started walking to georgetown and i ended up in virginia. i thought i was going in the right direction and then when i realized it had been two hours since i left, i began to have my doubts. then when i saw a sign that said “virginia is for lovers!”, i really started having my doubts. the thing is, i got scared. i realized i only had 2 pennies, a nickel, 1 quarter and a dollar bill folded up like a chinese football in my pocket.
that’s a dollar 32 in case you were keeping track.i began to wonder if maybe i would starve to death. i went into the lobby of a motel 6 and they still had their continental breakfast out. it smelled like virginia slims… not the breakfast, the lobby.
(i didn’t think you could smoke in hotels?)i got in line behind a thick man with dimpled thighs.
(i didn’t think men could have cellulite?)
i got an everything bagel with very little everything left on top of it. just a couple of poppy seeds. so really i guess it was just a poppy bagel. a sorry one at that.
maybe i should explain why i found myself in the lobby of a discount motel shoving containers of smuckers grape jelly into the front pocket of my overalls on a monday morning.
you see, i was sitting in psych 101 minding my business, just mindin’ my own damn business. and then i found a squished banana in the bottom of my bag. this always happens. i have very severe problems with squished bananas. seriously. like, nightmares. so then I am trying to discreetly sluge (sluge? yup, sluge.) a brown banana off the side of my macroeconomics textbook and wondering if i will still be able to return it to the bookstore at the end of the semester.
then in walks connor. i know connor because he lives down the hall from me and swears to god he is the only 19 year old male virgin left on the planet, but I told him that he’s not… probably, most definitely not the only one left on the planet.
he was all wide eyed walking to the front of the class, he whispered something in our professor’s ear and then we were told we should all evacuate. like the building? like the DC metropolitan area?
it's october 2001 and it seems like everyone is just waiting for the apocalypse.
you could tell connor just wanted to yell, “just get the fuck out of here before this shit blows!!!”, but my professor feigned being an adult. we all kinda just looked at each other for a sec wondering if she was serious. “like, now”, she said.
so i guess that explained that.
i should have grabbed a buddy. you know, the buddy system is drastically underrated? it is more important to have a buddy when you’re over the age of 17 than it is to have one when you’re under the age of 9. i should have grabbed gertie saybrook’s arm, the girl that has tourettes and clears her throat all class long and said, “so we in this together, gert?”
but I didn’t.
so anyways, then it was just me fending for myself on the mean streets of alexandria, virginia living off of squished bananas, poppy seed bagels, grape jelly, and virginia slims.